Bernards Voices

Dr. Brad Sachs spoke tonight at Bernards High School on Raising Teens With Love And Acceptance (Despite How Impossible They Can Be).  He clearly has a lot of wisdom, experience, and practical advice for parents.  I can’t do justice to his whole talk here, but others who saw it may want to chime in with their thoughts.

About 100 people attended. During the performance I got one email from a parent that had to stay home with their teen–we know sometimes parenting does get in the way of a good night out. But Dr. Sachs gave us a good night out.

I’m going to focus on 2 slides of the 30 or 40 he showed.

Slide 5 is just 3 points: The Fantasy Teen, The Actual Teen, and The Good Enough Teen.  The fantasy teen is the one the parent starts with in his or her mind.  This teen exists before your child is even born.  It may exist before you even get married.  It is the fantasy child that has the best of all your strengths, and is also strong where you are weak.  The fantasy child is happy, well-adjusted, has great friends.  Is successful on the field and in the classroom, etc.  When the actual child comes along, he or she will dance on the grave of your fantasy child.  This may happen in the first weeks after birth, maybe when the baby doesn’t take to nursing well.  Or it may happen in early adolescence.  But it will happen.  It has to happen.  Then begins the process–the work that the parent and the adolescent do to shape the fantasy child and actual child into the good enough teen.

Slide 7 and the next couple of slides are about grieving.  The adolescent is grieving the loss of their childhood.  All the symptoms of grief (which Dr. Giacalone talked about Tuesday morning) apply.  You don’t get to adulthood without saying goodbye to childhood.  It is a necessary thing.  A healthy thing.  A painful thing.  When the adolescent says “I’m such a loser,” they’re literally saying they’ve lost their childhood.

The parent is also grieving.  The parent is grieving at least for the looming empty nest.

Here is Dr. Sachs presentation.

Dr. Sachs wrapped up on slide 30 with key advice, that we’re hearing in all the talks: LISTEN! Listen to your child.

Other talks asked us to: Listen to our spouse. Listen to ourself.

The third leading cause of death for young people under 24 is suicide, yet most parents avoid talking about suicide with their teen-agers, believing their own children are not at risk or that discussing the topic will “put the idea in their heads.” In fact, said Maureen Underwood, licensed clinical social worker and director of the Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide, most kids have already thought about death and suicide, have seen romanticized dramatizations or read stories, and may even know someone who has taken their life. Talking openly with your child is the best way to know what your teen is thinking and feeling and will give you the best chance of intervening effectively if, in fact, your child is considering ending his life.

Maureen introduced Scott Fritz, who spoke about the loss of his daughter Stephanie. Scott and his friend Don Quigley, who lost his son Sean, are co-founders of the Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide (SPTS). Maureen showed a video titled “Not My Kid,” in which she appears with Lanny Berman, executive director of the American Association of Suicidology, and in which they answer questions typically asked by concerned parents. You can find this instructive video at www.sptsusa.org.

Scott spoke about bullying as a suicide risk, both face-to-face bullying and on-line harassment. Bullying is a risk factor in suicide. Parents and teachers need to know if bullying is happening so that they can intervene. In the old days, before the omnipresent internet, a student could escape the bullying after school and have a break in the safety of their own home. But these days they can be bullied into the evening over social networking websites like facebook. The teenager may feel like they have to stay on the site just to prove they’re not giving in to the bullying.

Also speaking was Barbara Barisonek, the mother of Duke, who took his life when he was a senior in college. Barbara pointed out that many different types of young people choose suicide and that the loss is deeply disturbing for their friends, as well as devastating for their families. She made the point that mental illness can happen in any family and that it’s essential that we talk openly about it and seek good medical help. Maureen and Scott reiterated this point: ask questions of professionals you contact and keep trying until you find a counselor or therapist you can trust to help you and your child. Good counseling and medication help many young people to resolve crises and manage their difficulties.

Barbara’s story is featured in a recent Bernardsville News article.

It’s vital to learn the signs of kids who may be suicidal: loss of interest in usual activities; making statements like “life isn’t worth living” or “you’d be better off without me;” abuse of drugs or alcohol; weight loss; sleeplessness or sleeping too much; recent breakup with a boy or girlfriend….look at the SPTS website for a complete list.

Your child must know that you or another trusted adult is available to talk with. Nothing you will ever do for your child is more important than listening to him or her. As difficult as it is to listen to the hurt, angry, possibly distorted feelings and thoughts of your child, it’s essential to refrain from exhorting your child to think differently (“of course you’re intelligent” or “you’re adorable”) and from offering solutions – until they are asked for. “What we all want most is to be understood,” Maureen said, and when your child knows that you understand and are available to listen compassionately, much is possible. If it’s difficult for your child to speak with you, you can say, “I understand that I may not be the easiest person for you to talk with, do let’s figure out who you can go to when you need to talk.” When kids do open up, the most helpful response is, “Tell me more” or “What else?”

All young people should know that they need to tell a responsible adult if anyone they know expresses a suicidal thought. This action could save a life and could also help to spare a lifetime of guilt for the person who heard the threat but did nothing. In the case of my own son Jamey, I heard at his funeral that he had told a friend he would kill himself if he didn’t get into a particular college. Had his friend spoken up, the outcome may well have been different.

A personal note: I have one more point to make that was not brought up at Monday’s session, which is this: keeping guns in your home increases your child’s risk of dying. The suicide rate is four times higher for adolescent boys with guns in the home than for those without. My own son put together his father’s supposedly disabled rifle and found the “hidden” ammunition.

For more information or to talk with a knowledgeable person, contact Maureen Underwood at info@sptsnj.org.