Bernards Voices

We had an intimate group, so there was much discussion and sharing of personal experience (we sat in a circle). People shared their ideas of what makes a healthy relationship. 

I shared John Gottman’s (he is a noted couples relationship researcher) research-supported Sound House Theory (see powerpoint presentation). 

I also explained the importance of being compassionately self-aware (a term I coined, meaning being aware of your sensations, thoughts and feelings and relating to them in a compassionate way– much as you would be compassionate toward a friend). This is important because you cannot communicate your experiences in a healthy way if you do not know what they are. 

We talked about how couples can maintain a healthy relationship in just 5 hours a week (see slide and handout). 

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: These are 4 signs that — when they occur on a consistent bases– indicates that the relationship is on a decline and will likely come apart. These are: criticism (which is when a person says there is something wrong with their partner; different from complaining when a person says how they are affected by the other– this is often helpful to do); defensiveness (when a person protects him- or herself from attack and does not own up to their part of is going wrong; rather they find ways to say they are ok and their partner is wrong); contempt (very dangerous; a belief that you are better than your partner); stonewalling (men do this more often than women; withdrawing and shutting down in the relationship). 

It is essential that partners always know that they are respected and cared about– even during conflict. We addressed how to approach difficult subjects with your partner (see slide).

Life always has its stresses. Unfortunately in this economic climate, we are hurting more than ever. But we don’t fully realize it.

We know that our stress has been increasing, and this worries us. We feel it as workers, who have been laid off, or fear being laid off. As business owners, who are struggling to maintain our livelihoods. We know it as spouses, as we sit helplessly by, watching our partner wrestle with these problems—and fearing for how we, as a family, are going to continue to pay bills. We look at our children, concerned for how our financial problems are affecting them. And we are, of course, concerned for our friends who struggle with similar issues. Finally, simply as members of this society who watch or read the news and who overhear conversations at the grocery store, we cannot help but feel the distress that surrounds us.

As I talk more about this, I’ll be referring to a report on stress in America that was released last October by the American Psychological Association. Although the report doesn’t include any data from the last 9 months, the findings are still very relevant—and most likely underestimate the current level of the problems that were addressed.

It found, for instance, that more people have been experiencing physical and psychological symptoms due to stress.  We’re more irritable or angry and somewhat more fatigued. We are also having physical symptoms like headaches, upset stomachs, and feeling tense.  I want you to think about this. Is it true for you? For your family or friends? I’m guessing that you know at the very least one person who’s been really struggling.

A wealth of research shows that chronic stress is detrimental to your physical health—it can impair your immune system, make you age more quickly, worsen your existing risk for hypertension and high cholesterol—and, if you have a major illness, it can impede your ability to recover.  So, when we say that we are sick with worry, it is not just an expression—we literally do get sick with worry, especially when that worry continues on for a long time, which is—of course—what we are seeing in the current economic crisis.

Since we feel this increased stress in our gut (sometimes, quite literally), you’d think that we would be working to manage the stress as well as possible. But, on the whole, we don’t. Instead, we tend to rationalize unhealthy ways of coping. For example, a lot of smokers, gamblers, and drinkers say that their ways of managing stress are effective. This is a problem.

If you have one of these vices—or, perhaps a different vice—ask yourself these questions: Have you been thinking that you are handling your stress well? Have you been misleading yourself? 

It’s one thing to partake in unhealthy coping; it’s quite another to believe that it actually works well. Unfortunately for us, we are creatures of habit. And, even when we seek out ways to be different, —more often than not—we eventually revert to our more familiar ways. So, in the end, we accept our unhealthy behaviors.

Given this tendency, we would do best to at least know the signs of when we are in trouble, feeling overly stressed, anxious, or depressed—because we then have a better chance of finding a different way to cope. I am going to list some specific signs to be aware of. I don’t expect you to memorize them, but take note if some of them apply to you or someone you know. Some signs to pay attention to are: overwhelming sadness, lack of interest in anything, trouble falling or staying asleep, fatigue, loss of appetite or overeating “comfort foods”, poor concentration, poor memory or forgetfulness, irritability, short temper, and anxiety (which might include constant and unrealistic worry about everyday situations, or fear and anxiety for no apparent reason); also pay attention to your body’s signs of physical distress such as headaches, muscle tension, back aches, chest pains, rapid heartbeat, upset stomach, and getting colds more often.

And, please remember to look closely at your children; we sometimes overlook their distress because we don’t realize how much parents’ stress can affect children, and we don’t always know what to look for. But research has shown that the children of depressed or anxious parents are at risk for anxiety and depression. Children often show their distress through poor grades, withdrawing or fighting with peers, and behavioral problems. But, really, any unusual behaviors can be signs of something wrong.

Also, if you are struggling financially, it is important to know that children are more affected by parents’ distress than by not having stuff. So, if you work to reduce your own stress and attend to your children, they will be better off than if you overburden yourself with work so that you can buy them all the things their friends have. 

I’d like to pause for a moment and thank you for your attention to this point. I hope you’ve taken in a good portion—if not all—of what I’ve said. And I hop it’s helpful. Unfortunately, I know it’s not enough.  As I’ve already explained, we often find ways justify how we manage stress, even when we are not doing it well. And, while it seems intuitive that we would reach out for help when the strain becomes too much, that’s just not the case.

So, again, I want you to think about yourself for a moment. When was the last time you asked for help? If you were struggling to make ends meet, who would you (or have you) shared this with? If you were feeling overwhelmed or depressed or anxious, who would you talk to? What would it take for you to reach out for financial counseling? Individual or marriage counseling?

According to the APA survey I referenced earlier, almost half of all Americans say they would be uncomfortable asking others for help managing their stress. Fifty-one percent would consider seeing a mental health professional if they are experiencing extreme stress. When I read this, I wondered what extreme stress was. As a therapist, I made sense of it by what I see—although not always the case, people often come to me when they are so distressed that they struggle to get through the day, when they have been finding no joy in life for some time, or when a spouse finally tells them that they need to get help. I often see couples after they’ve been tense or fighting or not talking for years, and even then, only after something pushes them to the brink of divorce. In fact, it takes couples an average of  6-7 years from the time they begin having problems until they seek counseling.

In part, I think that people wait to seek help because they believe they can help themselves—even when they are clearly in over their heads. Then, by the time they acknowledge the problem, they sometimes feel their situation is hopeless. In addition, we often feel ashamed when we need help. While we are compassionate towards our friends and neighbors when they need help, that compassion often stops at our own doorstep. We feel lesser for needing the help—like something is inherently wrong with us. We fear that others will also think less of us. And, let’s face it, in this area, there is a lot of pressure to keep up with the Joneses, or the Forbes’s, or whoever it is living next door. In the end, by not asking for help, or by waiting until we feel at the absolute brink of disaster, we needlessly suffer both physically and psychologically—because a little reaching out can go a long way.

The data is clear: we’re doing worse than we think, or than we’re willing to acknowledge. And, it’s time to be honest with ourselves about this.

If this describes you, there are things you can do to turn it around. And, if you really are doing well, there are things you can do to keep it that way. The best ways to cope—to stay healthy emotionally and physically strong— are simple. As I list some ways to cope, see if you can pick out just one to work on.

• Take care of the basics: eat healthy, exercise regularly, get enough sleep
• Identify what is meaningful to you and incorporate it in your week in big and small ways (i.e. listening to music, spending enjoyable time with your family)
• Be compassionate toward others and yourself (if you are not, make learning to do this a goal)
• Take care of your relationships- with family and with friends
• Have a plan for how to handle your finances—and follow it
• Work toward handling stress in healthy ways (i.e. exercising rather than numbing yourself with TV)
• Especially for those who are underemployed or unemployed, maintain a routine; this will help keep you moving and focused each day

 And, finally, in the future, when my speech is in your distant memory, remember this: if you have the sense that something is wrong with how you or someone you know is handling life, pay attention to it. If you are consistently feeling in over your head in any way, get help. In the years to come, what will be important is that you overcame adversity, not that you needed help to do it.

The resources are out there. If you don’t where to find them, you can always call members of the Healthy Outcomes Partnership to help you get the assistance you need.  Help is just a phone call away. And, these days, your phone is likely fastened to your hip or in your purse.  All you need to do is pick it up and make that call.