We had an intimate group, so there was much discussion and sharing of personal experience (we sat in a circle). People shared their ideas of what makes a healthy relationship. 

I shared John Gottman’s (he is a noted couples relationship researcher) research-supported Sound House Theory (see powerpoint presentation). 

I also explained the importance of being compassionately self-aware (a term I coined, meaning being aware of your sensations, thoughts and feelings and relating to them in a compassionate way– much as you would be compassionate toward a friend). This is important because you cannot communicate your experiences in a healthy way if you do not know what they are. 

We talked about how couples can maintain a healthy relationship in just 5 hours a week (see slide and handout). 

Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: These are 4 signs that — when they occur on a consistent bases– indicates that the relationship is on a decline and will likely come apart. These are: criticism (which is when a person says there is something wrong with their partner; different from complaining when a person says how they are affected by the other– this is often helpful to do); defensiveness (when a person protects him- or herself from attack and does not own up to their part of is going wrong; rather they find ways to say they are ok and their partner is wrong); contempt (very dangerous; a belief that you are better than your partner); stonewalling (men do this more often than women; withdrawing and shutting down in the relationship). 

It is essential that partners always know that they are respected and cared about– even during conflict. We addressed how to approach difficult subjects with your partner (see slide).