From yesterday’s Bernardsville News:

Panelist Daryl Brewster, the head of Brookside Management, LLC of Mendham, shared some insight into the circumstances that led to the current economic situation. The former CEO of Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc., asked the crowd who was to blame. The question prompted a variety of responses, including government regulators, corporate leaders and plain old greed.

“We all got caught up in that same greed,’’ Brewster said. “We borrowed from the future to spend now. We have just lived through the good old days, the biggest party ever. Now we have the hangover.

“As a society we all helped contribute to this,’’ he added.

Wrapping up the article was this quote from our moderator Michael Aron, a Montclair resident and senior political correspondent for the New Jersey Network.

“This is a good place to be stressed because there’s so many helping hands.’’

I hope this site will contribute to the community’s awareness on how to reach those helping hands.

Life always has its stresses. Unfortunately in this economic climate, we are hurting more than ever. But we don’t fully realize it.

We know that our stress has been increasing, and this worries us. We feel it as workers, who have been laid off, or fear being laid off. As business owners, who are struggling to maintain our livelihoods. We know it as spouses, as we sit helplessly by, watching our partner wrestle with these problems—and fearing for how we, as a family, are going to continue to pay bills. We look at our children, concerned for how our financial problems are affecting them. And we are, of course, concerned for our friends who struggle with similar issues. Finally, simply as members of this society who watch or read the news and who overhear conversations at the grocery store, we cannot help but feel the distress that surrounds us.

As I talk more about this, I’ll be referring to a report on stress in America that was released last October by the American Psychological Association. Although the report doesn’t include any data from the last 9 months, the findings are still very relevant—and most likely underestimate the current level of the problems that were addressed.

It found, for instance, that more people have been experiencing physical and psychological symptoms due to stress.  We’re more irritable or angry and somewhat more fatigued. We are also having physical symptoms like headaches, upset stomachs, and feeling tense.  I want you to think about this. Is it true for you? For your family or friends? I’m guessing that you know at the very least one person who’s been really struggling.

A wealth of research shows that chronic stress is detrimental to your physical health—it can impair your immune system, make you age more quickly, worsen your existing risk for hypertension and high cholesterol—and, if you have a major illness, it can impede your ability to recover.  So, when we say that we are sick with worry, it is not just an expression—we literally do get sick with worry, especially when that worry continues on for a long time, which is—of course—what we are seeing in the current economic crisis.

Since we feel this increased stress in our gut (sometimes, quite literally), you’d think that we would be working to manage the stress as well as possible. But, on the whole, we don’t. Instead, we tend to rationalize unhealthy ways of coping. For example, a lot of smokers, gamblers, and drinkers say that their ways of managing stress are effective. This is a problem.

If you have one of these vices—or, perhaps a different vice—ask yourself these questions: Have you been thinking that you are handling your stress well? Have you been misleading yourself? 

It’s one thing to partake in unhealthy coping; it’s quite another to believe that it actually works well. Unfortunately for us, we are creatures of habit. And, even when we seek out ways to be different, —more often than not—we eventually revert to our more familiar ways. So, in the end, we accept our unhealthy behaviors.

Given this tendency, we would do best to at least know the signs of when we are in trouble, feeling overly stressed, anxious, or depressed—because we then have a better chance of finding a different way to cope. I am going to list some specific signs to be aware of. I don’t expect you to memorize them, but take note if some of them apply to you or someone you know. Some signs to pay attention to are: overwhelming sadness, lack of interest in anything, trouble falling or staying asleep, fatigue, loss of appetite or overeating “comfort foods”, poor concentration, poor memory or forgetfulness, irritability, short temper, and anxiety (which might include constant and unrealistic worry about everyday situations, or fear and anxiety for no apparent reason); also pay attention to your body’s signs of physical distress such as headaches, muscle tension, back aches, chest pains, rapid heartbeat, upset stomach, and getting colds more often.

And, please remember to look closely at your children; we sometimes overlook their distress because we don’t realize how much parents’ stress can affect children, and we don’t always know what to look for. But research has shown that the children of depressed or anxious parents are at risk for anxiety and depression. Children often show their distress through poor grades, withdrawing or fighting with peers, and behavioral problems. But, really, any unusual behaviors can be signs of something wrong.

Also, if you are struggling financially, it is important to know that children are more affected by parents’ distress than by not having stuff. So, if you work to reduce your own stress and attend to your children, they will be better off than if you overburden yourself with work so that you can buy them all the things their friends have. 

I’d like to pause for a moment and thank you for your attention to this point. I hope you’ve taken in a good portion—if not all—of what I’ve said. And I hop it’s helpful. Unfortunately, I know it’s not enough.  As I’ve already explained, we often find ways justify how we manage stress, even when we are not doing it well. And, while it seems intuitive that we would reach out for help when the strain becomes too much, that’s just not the case.

So, again, I want you to think about yourself for a moment. When was the last time you asked for help? If you were struggling to make ends meet, who would you (or have you) shared this with? If you were feeling overwhelmed or depressed or anxious, who would you talk to? What would it take for you to reach out for financial counseling? Individual or marriage counseling?

According to the APA survey I referenced earlier, almost half of all Americans say they would be uncomfortable asking others for help managing their stress. Fifty-one percent would consider seeing a mental health professional if they are experiencing extreme stress. When I read this, I wondered what extreme stress was. As a therapist, I made sense of it by what I see—although not always the case, people often come to me when they are so distressed that they struggle to get through the day, when they have been finding no joy in life for some time, or when a spouse finally tells them that they need to get help. I often see couples after they’ve been tense or fighting or not talking for years, and even then, only after something pushes them to the brink of divorce. In fact, it takes couples an average of  6-7 years from the time they begin having problems until they seek counseling.

In part, I think that people wait to seek help because they believe they can help themselves—even when they are clearly in over their heads. Then, by the time they acknowledge the problem, they sometimes feel their situation is hopeless. In addition, we often feel ashamed when we need help. While we are compassionate towards our friends and neighbors when they need help, that compassion often stops at our own doorstep. We feel lesser for needing the help—like something is inherently wrong with us. We fear that others will also think less of us. And, let’s face it, in this area, there is a lot of pressure to keep up with the Joneses, or the Forbes’s, or whoever it is living next door. In the end, by not asking for help, or by waiting until we feel at the absolute brink of disaster, we needlessly suffer both physically and psychologically—because a little reaching out can go a long way.

The data is clear: we’re doing worse than we think, or than we’re willing to acknowledge. And, it’s time to be honest with ourselves about this.

If this describes you, there are things you can do to turn it around. And, if you really are doing well, there are things you can do to keep it that way. The best ways to cope—to stay healthy emotionally and physically strong— are simple. As I list some ways to cope, see if you can pick out just one to work on.

• Take care of the basics: eat healthy, exercise regularly, get enough sleep
• Identify what is meaningful to you and incorporate it in your week in big and small ways (i.e. listening to music, spending enjoyable time with your family)
• Be compassionate toward others and yourself (if you are not, make learning to do this a goal)
• Take care of your relationships- with family and with friends
• Have a plan for how to handle your finances—and follow it
• Work toward handling stress in healthy ways (i.e. exercising rather than numbing yourself with TV)
• Especially for those who are underemployed or unemployed, maintain a routine; this will help keep you moving and focused each day

 And, finally, in the future, when my speech is in your distant memory, remember this: if you have the sense that something is wrong with how you or someone you know is handling life, pay attention to it. If you are consistently feeling in over your head in any way, get help. In the years to come, what will be important is that you overcame adversity, not that you needed help to do it.

The resources are out there. If you don’t where to find them, you can always call members of the Healthy Outcomes Partnership to help you get the assistance you need.  Help is just a phone call away. And, these days, your phone is likely fastened to your hip or in your purse.  All you need to do is pick it up and make that call.

Websites and email can only do so much … it was great to have so many friends and neighbors in the Bernards High auditorium … face-to-face.

For those of you that missed it, here are my thoughts on the discussion last night. You will see other posts from other members of HOP about their experience and take-aways.

Daryl Brewster gave us the 3 Rs: Reality, Reset expectations, Re-energize. It was a theme of his that what worked for corporations in challenging times also worked at the personal level for us as individuals. Step 1 find and face what the reality is. You may even need to ask for help to get to step 1. That’s ok.

I won’t repeat Peter’s story which he’s already posted. But he did share examples of how we were putting faces, for example Pam Mastro’s, the Somerset County Mental Health Administrator, in front of the phone numbers in directories and on websites.  We’ve been learning ourselves, that there are lots of resources available, and we at HOP will help you find them.

Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps, a local psychologist in Basking Ridge, opened a window for us on how to see stress and anxiety. When we’re sick with worry … that can mean literally we are sick.

Do we have fear or anxiety … for no apparent reason?

Do we find no joy in life?

Marriages in trouble often go 6 or 7 years, before, at the brink, spouses reach out for help.  We should find a way to reach out before we’re at the brink, or dialing 911, or sitting in an emergency room …

We are easily very generous and compassionate to neighbors, can we be that compassionate with ourselves?

Make becoming compassionate your goal.

Some comments I noted from the community:

• The nation is going through too much change, too fast …
• Was this really a crisis?  Or was it individuals facing pain, suffering?
• Talked about the sources of the crisis: greed, spending more than we had  … that this was beyond an economic downturn, this was about values.   There was one comment about the value in values.
• It was very empowering to ask for help.
• Fear pulled the rug out.
• Worrying is praying for something bad to happen.
• Offer concrete ways to help.  And example Leslie mentioned was offering to buy groceries for a mother under too much stress.  And by offering that tangible help to another, you are also helping yourself.
• You have a choice.  Choose life or don’t choose it.

Towards the end, I volunteered, and I reiterate that here–if anyone needs help navigating the various paths to help, I, and the members of HOP, will help.  (I said help 3 times in one sentence.  Little heavy handed I guess.)

If you were, you sat in a gorgeous auditorium with about 100 community members and listened to some informative, inspiring and insightful (how’s that for three “i” s, Daryl?) talks from Leslie Becker-Phelps, Peter Roselle and our keynote speaker, Daryl Brewster. While the talks were very different, the themes that were communicated were very consistent: among others, the need for connection and community, the difficulty and importance of asking for help, the concept of re-setting expectations about one’s self and one’s life after the rug has been pulled out from under your feet. You also were part of the fascinating community conversation that was created by these talks and the personal stories from audience members — and heard, at times, a depth of emotion — ranging from despair to joyful optimism — that was truly moving, and which, at the end, led to a man in need walking out of the event with a Kleenex box full of cash — you had to be there to fully appreciate the moment. When I left last night at 9:55pm, the community room was still buzzing with informal conversation (maybe because of the delicious Port City Java coffee?).

 1) Somerset Hills Community – has always responded well post-crisis – i.e., Columbine and 9/11

 2) These were “event-driven” vs. current financial crisis is more opaque – more of a “stealth crisis”

• Both nationally and regionally we are in a time of painful transition
• All these changes happening simultaneously can create a “community post-traumatic stress syndrome”

 3) As leaders in the community we want to act pro-actively to help people process their feelings and emotions, especially the more subtle emotions that might stay below the surface with no easy outlet.

• Example – after 9/11, many people had U.S. flags in their car windows  as a rallying point
• Today – we have “Tea Parties” to rally people who are opposed to higher taxes

 4) During the last eighteen months we have experienced an unusually high volume of bad news

• Stock market peaked in October, 2007 at 14,000 – dropped to a low of 6,600 (-52%) on March 6, 2009
• Major companies – Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers, General Motors, Chrysler – bankrupt
• Our overall sense of security is highly correlated to our personal financial security and our perception of overall conditions in the economy.
• That sense of security has been shaken
  • 401k accounts have been decimated – some have to consider postponing retirement
  • Home prices have plunged causing many to be “underwater”
  • Parents and students are more concerned than ever about paying college tuition
  • We read the papers about people losing their homes to foreclosure and bankruptcy
  • Unemployment has risen dramatically and is expected to continue to rise
  • We read about states like California, on the brink of bankruptcy, slashing public services
  • On the national level:
    • Social Security and Medicare expecting large cuts
    • Record budget deficits, record national debt
    • U.S. leadership of world economy is declining

5) We are understandably seeing signs of community “stress fractures” starting to form and want to preemptively get the word out that we do not have to walk through difficult situations alone – there is an incredibly diverse set of resources available if we know where to look. Some anecdotal observations -

• YMCA - Bob Lomauro – the Y has seen a 20% increase in requests for financial assistance
• Bernards HS – John Grund – the teens he deals with do not verbalize much in the way of direct impact of the downturn but do show signs of stress at home; programs and staff will be cut at a time when more people need help.
• Visiting Nurse Association – Claire O’Brien – there has been a drop off in grant money; nursing staff is noticing that there are more people seeking senior care assistance because the caregivers need to go back to work.
• Local Clergy – report an increase in requests for financial assistance
• Board of Health – Laura Steele – noticing more calls for assistance with health insurance.  People are losing their jobs and then health insurance coverage.
• William Anin Middle School - Barbara Bush – staff cuts; staff dealing with more work, larger classes, less resources to do the job.  Programs are also being cut – most after-school programs in elementary & middle school, many clubs have been cut at Ridge High School.  Summer staff reductions; hearing about more families with homes in foreclosure; high school students worried about paying for college, more pressure for academic and athletic scholarships.   Some school problems reflect student’s inability to understand and cope with financial problems at home.
• Somerset County Family Services – Linda Porcaro – has noticed a big increase in the number of children who are coming in for psychiatric screening.  In the past, in an average month there were 20 -30 children screened; now they are up to 70.  They are dealing with issues of isolation, shame; children are acting out which lets the staff know that there are problems at home.

View the presentation.

Family Stress

New Jersey’s mental health information and referral service.

The New Jersey Department of Human Services lists Crisis Centers by county.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

Excerpts from the NJ Library gethelp website.

New Jersey Health Tools

Doctor Bills

The New Jersey Medicaid program provides medical assistance to people who qualify.

State Health Insurance Assistance Program (SHIP) provides free help to New Jersey’s Medicare beneficiaries who have problems or questions about their health insurance.

Health Insurance for Children

The State of New Jersey program for uninsured children and certain low income parents and guardians provides affordable insurance coverage for those who are eligible.

Uninsured Medical Insurance

The Catastrophic Illness in Children Relief Fund provides assistance.

Medication Costs

New Jersey state funded prescription assistance – Pharmaceutical Assistance to the Aged and Disabled (PAAD).

The Senior Gold Prescription Discount Program (Senior Gold) is a state funded prescription program with different eligibility guidelines than PAAD.

Assistive Technology

The Division of Deaf and Hard of Hearing distributes assistive technology to qualified deaf, hard of hearing and deaf-blind New Jersey residents, as well as those with a serious speech impediment.

Free items, resources and services for the hearing and visually impaired.

Family Stress

New Jersey’s mental health information and referral service.

The New Jersey Department of Human Services lists Crisis Centers by county.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

There is a lot more.

• The Quarry misrepresents the use of the property as nonresidential, fails to disclose that the quarry has been operating as an unlicensed dump and falsely claims that fill has been subject to a vigorous oversight and compliance program.
• The Quarry’s application should be rejected because it undermines the New Jersey Superior Court’s Order that the parties engage in good faith mediation to resolve issues, including testing.
• The Quarry’s proposed Remedial Investigation Work Plan (RIWP) is inadequate for numerous reasons.  The RIWP must require, among other items: (i) a description of environmental conditions of the site; (ii) advanced soil borings to groundwater, not refusal; (iii) a site-wide soil protocol–not testing limited to soils imported since 2006; (iv) a sampling of both the “overburden material” and an existing site drainage pool; (v) characterization of groundwater flow and quality; (vi) sampling of existing wells on-site and construction and testing of additional wells; (vii) groundwater monitoring–the Quarry’s proposal is limited to soils assessment; (viii) a greater amount of samples and a wider range of analytical parameters; and (ix) an environmental impact study if any of the initial sampling detects contamination.   All should be done with Township approval and oversight. 
   

• increase the frequency of proposed borings and analytical samples
• increase the acreage of the quarry included in the sampling
• expand parameters analyzed in the samples
• conduct continuous screening in soil borings
• collect and analyze groundwater and surface water samples
• interact closely with the Township and its professionals to ensure the soil and groundwater is contaminant free
• consider issuance of an Administrative Order assessing penalties for illegal operations and environmental impacts
• meet with the Township and its representatives to discuss remediation of the site

I’m sure most of you heard about this study, published yesterday in The American Journal of Medicine, and covered by The New York Times.  The list of illnesses/events that account for the highest costs, per year, are listed below, and include mental illnesses, as one might expect.  This is definitely information that should be referenced in some way during our June 15 “Who Pulled the Rug Out” event, as it’s clear that these financial catastrophes are ever-present in our society, and can occur whether someone has lost their job or not.  Talk about stress and anxiety……

The health problems that left patients with the highest out-of-pocket expenses were ranked as follows:

Neurologic (i.e., multiple sclerosis): $34,167
Diabetes: $26,971
Injuries: 25,096
Stroke: $23,380
Mental illnesses: $23,178
Heart disease: $21,955

Researchers offered half of youngsters and their parents an eight-week course of “cognitive behavioral therapy.” In these hour-long sessions, parents learned how to recognize things they were doing that might make their children anxious — such as being overprotective or worrying out loud. Children also learned coping skills, according to the study, in the June issue of the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, released Monday